


What Were They Thinking?

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-09-13
Updated: 2002-09-13
Packaged: 2018-10-06 13:25:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10335653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: spoilers: 4th season, "Divide & Conquer" in particularStargate SG-1 has been on Showtime for a while, and the writers grapple for ratings-grabbing stories.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

What Were They They Thinking?

##  What Were They They Thinking?

##### Written by Elyse Dickenson  
Comments? Write to me at [PX7555@aol.com](mailto:PX7555@aol.com)

  * _Stargate SG-1_ has been on Showtime for a while, and the writers grapple for ratings-grabbing stories.  

  * **Spoilers** : Season four 
  * **Content Warning** : Don't eat food while reading it. You've been warned!  

  * **PG** [Hu] 



* * *

****August 2, 2000  
Vol. 13, #60,330  
THE TOK'RA TIMES  
Page 18, Column 2  


**ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT**

### STARGATE SG-1: WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

**By Ima Goould**

When I took this job as Entertainment Editor for the illustrious _Tok'ra Times_ , little did I know that I would have to endure episodes of sheer torment for the sake of my paycheck - the remake/bastardization of _The Brady Bunch Meets Lost in Space_ last month was pretty bad, especially when Bobby was run over by The Robot and turned into a tread-marked roadkill on the Astroturf lawn in front of the Jupiter II (Mach IV Microsoft Version 3.0 - upgrades available for $9.99 plus shipping). 

However, yours truly was given the unenviable task of reviewing, along with a test audience of two dozen people plucked off the street near one of those walk-in-and-use-a-PC shops, to preview the latest and greatest adventures of Col. Jack O'Neill and gang in the Showtime series _Stargate SG-1_. The studio reps gave everybody free jumbo bags of buttered popcorn and sodas. 

I've been watching this series as since it began airing on Friday nights. I used to go out (yes, had to empty the garbage before Saturday 6 a.m.) but now the raccoons will just have to starve. 

Anyway, I was happily munching away on my plethora of popcorn and my fingers became slippery from the butter, so my notes weren't entirely legible, just to warn you. 

Okay, everybody knows that as a series ages, plots get recycled; the producers do stupid and inane things with established characters, etc. Or they decide to jump on the latest bandwagon that attracts everybody's attention when in fact they would be better suited worrying about taxes or that little known threat of metal-munching moon mice that have been ravaging the space station Mir for the past two months. 

The episode - as yet untitled - opens with our intrepid team (Col. Jack O'Neill, the stalwart but sometimes irreverent commander who looks a lot like MacGyver packing heat; Major Samantha Carter, theoretical astrophysicist and a great shot; Dr. Daniel Jackson, archeologist and object of lust of many fans; and Teal'c, the alien Jaffa who can give Spock a run for his money in the arched eyebrow department) arriving on a planet, yet again full of pine trees. Everything seems at peace until Daniel picks up a rock (sorry, artifact) and a deep voice booms from the sky intoning that they have chosen to participate in the most sacred ritual challenge and they must choose that upon their person that they value the most. 

The next thing we know the entire team is transported (poof!) to a planet that looks suspiciously like Tahiti, only it's got a Stargate at the end of a long trail of big rocks that are half-submerged in the surf. 

It doesn't take a theoretical astrophysicist to know that they're not going to get to the gate easily. They're instantly beset upon by hordes of gigantic man-eating crabs that ascend from the surf. It's then that our heroes discover what weapons they have with them don't work. They'll have to figure out another means of getting to the gate without becoming fishbait. 

But their trouble has only just begun, as they discover they're not alone. Four figures traipse down the sandy beach and even the most lackadaisical of TV viewers will recognize them: Selmac, AKA Sam's father with a Tok'ra slug in his gut; Martouf, the kind-hearted Tok'ra who likes Sam and .... Oh, let's not spoil this review for the folks in the UK or those who watch the show via syndication; Anise, a buxom underdressed Tok'ra who knows more than any other Tok'ra, it seems (AKA Tok'ra Barbie, Tok'ra Spice, and Seven of Tok'ra -named after that well-endowed Borglite on that sci-fi show that will never die). Last but not least is Thor, the cute little Asgard who keeps beaming O'Neill up to the mothership at the moment inappropriate moments. No wonder Jack has no social life. 

We'll just speed search through the idle dialogue of 'what the hell is going on?' and 'damn, it's so hot here I'm going to fry in my uniform' (which sets you up for what comes next) when a lone figure in a natty white suit appears, announces he's Jack Proboscis, and he's their host and if they don't obey the rules he's about to lay down, they'll be kicked through the gate to PL6-212. Everybody shudders as that world is well known for the gigantic carnivorous insects that hang around the gate waiting for a snack. 

Our intrepid heroes (and guest stars) find out they're in some sick version of an alien game show, in which the groups are split into two tribes. They must participate in strange rituals and whichever team gets the most points (and keeps the most body parts) wins. 

Everybody soon realizes that the aliens probed their minds to find out what object they would bring with them to utilize for survival. O'Neill growls "Great choice," at Jackson, who is now holding on to the rock that started the entire mess. But O'Neill's got an empty weapon, Teal'c, a staff weapon that might as well be a Tiki torch for all its lack of fire power and Sam has her rucksack. Too bad she hadn't wished for its contents to come with it! 

The Tok'ra team is stuck with other pretty much impractical items. (The SG-1 team is unfortunately called the Earthling team - someone's been watching too many old B&W SF flicks on late night TV.) 

Unfortunately it's every man/woman/alien for himself, as instructed cheerily by Proboscis, despite the fact there are two teams. If they try to team up, the results won't be pretty. What the teams find even more annoying is that their every move is tracked by little flying ball doohickies (hey, I'm not a rocket scientist, and as usual, they're not given names but I'm sure there's a word for them in the script that will be found on eBay as soon as the show airs). 

It was at this 15 minute mark in the episode (all smart reviewers wear Indiglo watches so they can time their bathroom breaks during hideously boring films) that I had this flash of déjà vu. It was Wednesday, wasn't it? Around 8pm? Damn, I was missing - oh my -- I'm NOT missing it. They've just taken _Stargate SG-1_ and _Survivor_ and tossed it into a Cuisinart! _Survivor SG-1_! Those fiends! 

I'm not the only one in the audience who has noticed this travesty. There are some groans of agony. I hear somebody choking on their popcorn but nobody is going to help this poor individual; they probably figure death is better than the next 30 minutes, especially when the episode suddenly segues forward a day (apparently the teams are going to be stuck on this rip-off tropical paradise for, gee, guess what? 39 days) and we see that the humidity and heat has forced everybody to wear less clothing. The choking viewer collapses to the JuJuBee-slicked floor just as the Tok'ra Barbie comes out (in more ways than one, ahem) in a Naugahyde pink thong bikini. Fortunately, this individual utters a last dying guttural breath and goes silent as on the big screen, we see all the eyes of the male Earthling and Tok'ra teams practically pop out of their skulls at Tok'ra Barbie's assets. 

Unlike the viewing audience, I will spare the reading audience the full details of this episode, which we discovered at 42 minutes into it, was a three-part episode. However, suffice to say that the sounds I heard from the viewing audience mirrored the cacophony of a full-blown rainforest in pandomium ... shrieks, howls, laughter, etc. 

However, I shall give you some highlights so you can be better prepared when it shows up on your idiot box (I'd bribed the usher with all my spare cash -- and a promise to get him into the preview of the _X-Men_ sequel -- to get me some hard liquor so I could make it through the next two episodes, but the little weasel came back with a dumb wild berry wine cooler and and an excuse he was too young to buy Scotch. Twirp.) But suffice to say, stock up on hard liquor, or cheesecake. Strawberry-topped is best. I didn't even let my Sara Lee cheesecake thaw. I ate the whole darn thing frozen as soon as I fled the viewing! 

Okay, laugh or cry, but kiss your Showtime subscription goodbye! 

  * Like the popular CBS voyeur series _Survivor_ , our teams are clad in as little as possible. The guys walk around in cut-off shorts and no shirts, the Tok'ra Barbie is in an R-rated bikini, but Major Sam Carter is no dunce. She's got cut-off shorts and has turned her top into a sleeveless shirt tied just under the bust. But she still looks like she'd rather crawl under a blanket than wear such short shorts! (The wardrobe budget must have been depleted by the time this episode came about.) 
  * Die-hard _Stargate_ viewers know that the SG-1 team has had their petty squabbles, etc., but is a solid team nonetheless. However, is it the humidity, the rules, or just bad scripting that has them sniping at each other like kindergarteners fighting over a pail and shovel in a sandbox? Watch the normally sedate Daniel Jackson grip his rock, sorry, artifact, and glare murderously as O'Neill and Carter go into the jungle for some, um, midnight maneuvers... the viewer is treated to some badly lensed infrared footage and the viewers in front of me are rustling their popcorn bags and arguing 'Yes, they did _it_ or 'No, they didn't. Are you blind or something, you moronic son of a Gou'ald?!'. To add even more to this heated debate is the voice-over of Jackson muttering, " _They're fraternizing! It's against regulations!_ " 
  * Even the normally stoic Jaffa is not immune to the ravages of this poorly plotted script. For someone who stood up to Apophis, who has probably slaughtered untold zillions of innocents (just an approximation given by some white-toothed smiley Showtime rep), he can't even kill one mutant ZarkRat (the meal of choice - or else get booted to bugville). So what is this ZarkRat? It looks like a cross between a pincushion and a pig and can't weigh more than 20 pounds. Teal'c's a Jaffa! Since when do Jaffa _trip_ over twigs? Mind you, he tripped over the twigs just in time for a "join us next week for _Stargate SG-1_ part two" ad, leaving millions (or perhaps only a few hundred thousand by now) viewers wondering of his fate. Will the ZarkRat eat Teal'c? Are Jaffa even edible? Inquiring minds want to know. 
  * However, there are some hilarious moments. Take for instance, when the 'call of nature' beckons, O'Neill is none too happy to find one of those blasted flying ball doohickies filming him. There wasn't a single person at the viewing who didn't howl hysterically when Jack's fist rapidly came into view and he clocked that damned thing into planetary orbit. 

....Or when it comes time to crack open some of the incredibly large coconuts, and everybody finds out that the rocks on this SurvivorWorld crumble like dust if pounded too hard. Watch the tempers sizzle, the backbiting and plotting begin, when we discover that Daniel's rock (artifact) is the only thing that can open the coconuts... 

  * The games turn somewhat nasty in the second part, with poor Daniel Jackson getting bopped on the noggin, chewed up by three-inch slugs with fangs, and stung by wicked-looking bugs. The poor guy doesn't get a break. I have no idea why some audience members had inane smiles on their faces as they watched this. Martouf, however, doesn't even fare _that_ well. Suffice to say, he fares _much_ better in the much-talked about ballyhooed episode "Divide and Conquer" (or "Divide and Lift," from the Tok'ra Barbie point of view). We also learn that you should never cross an Asgard when it's armed with a thorn bush! 
  * The scriptwriters apparently didn't get much sleep while writing this, as while they have Jack and Sam doing 'midnight maneuvers', we also have the Tok'ra Barbie's symbiant making moves on Daniel, who decides to spend at least half of one episode up a tree to avoid her. This tree is where he gets stung by bugs and then falls out and gets a concussion when a coconut conks him on the noggin. And there seems to be more than meets the eye between Selmac and Thor, to which cries of "ick, eeuuu, gross," were heard from a few people to my left. Another person was barfing into their popcorn bag. 



And how does this all end? I can't tell you. That would be spoiling the fun, and I wouldn't want to be accused of spoiling the fun. (Besides, the Showtime folk made me sign a waiver - penalty of loss of internet privileges if I told who won.) I can say ... it's a weekly TV show.... So we have to assume that our heroes survive. Unscathed? Certainly not. How can I look at the Colonel again after seeing his cheeks -- and I'm not talking the pair on his face! 

The whole fiasco is being turned into a Showtime sweeps week stunt in which there are little "making of" specials before and after each episode in which the 'characters' are interviewed about their experiences. Now _those_ are worth suffering through the three-part episode. They are a scream!!! Just wait till you see the coconut-concussed Jackson extrapolating on how yellow the Stargate looks and shouldn't it have a sign above it that says 'one billion served.' 

I was thinking of interviewing the test audience before writing this article, but three died (the popcorn choking, while one pro-S/J and one anti-S/J suffocated each other with popcorn bags in a silly argument), one is still catatonic (must have been the scene where Tok'ra Barbie's slug tried to give mouth-to-mouth to Daniel when he fell out of the tree), and the rest fled off to the internet café place to tell the world of what horrors (or delights) they witnessed. Only one audience member never left; he was rapidly abducted by CBS after declaring that this _Stargate_ episode was the best thing he'd ever seen since the _Dukes of Hazzard Reunion Movie_! Guess CBS had some spies lurking. 

Come back next week as we review the status of the continuing debate on whether Daniel was stung by eight bugs or six, if ZarkRats taste like chicken or was Daniel lying, _what_ was that living in Sam's hair, _and_.... Did we really see what we thought we saw happen to Tok'Ra Barbie and is there any chance she can survive it? (Hopefully not!). 

Till next time, safe TV watching! 

**The End**

  


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>   
>  © August 2, 2000 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. Dialogue from the episode "Enemies" is copyright to the above copyright holders. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. Please note that the publication _Tok'ra Times_ is purely a fictional idea.

* * *

  



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